Few of us are conscious of being immediate or present as we are speaking, listening or moving about in our daily lives. Most are not looking three to four feet ahead of us as we move along. Instead we are planning, preparing, imagining, wishing, reflecting, or anticipating with fear rather than being mindful of what we are experiencing at any given moment.
Being fearful is a good example of how we get in our own way. While fear is a natural warning system that serves us well, it’s easy to feel frightened when there is no danger. David Kessler and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discuss the impact of fear. Kubler-Ross states, “Much of what life hands us comes without the prelude of fear and worry. Our fears don’t stop death, they stop life…Fear is a shadow that blocks everything: our love, our true feelings, our happiness, our very being.” Kessler writes that when you peel away the various layers of fear, the bottom layer is the fear of death. He adds, “All of our invented fears involve either the past or the future; only love is in the present…Now is the only real moment we have, and love is the only real emotion because it’s the only one that occurs in the present moment.” Getting out of your own way ,means choosing to be in the place of kindness and not in the place of fear.
Accepting that our lives are ordered by impermanence and living in the present, however, is no easy task. We want guarantees. We want predictability. Yet everything keeps changing and eventually going away. We try to hold on, but we never succeed. We attach to ideas and beliefs, some centuries old, hoping to be less anxious and more certain about how things are going to be. Charlotte Joko Beck writes that our personal drive is to find a way to endure in our “unchanging” lives. “We don’t really see life at all. Our attention is elsewhere. We are engaged in an unending battle with our fears about ourselves and our existence.” She adds, “We’re only interested in preserving ourselves forever.” We want others to treat us as though we are safe and secure in this life, that we are wonderful, deserving, lovable and are entitled to the happiness we want.
I have asked people if they believe that God put a specific person on this earth with the purpose of making them happy. The answer is an unequivocal “No.” They most often agree with the idea that “my happiness is my responsibility, and your happiness is yours.” This sounds reasonable enough. But our fears prevent us from really accepting this. Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell talk about our stories. These stories are “untested, uninvestigated theories” that make us believe our thoughts are true.
So believing that someone should make us happy by giving us what we want is a story that we attach to and believe is true. This person might be a spouse, friend, son or daughter. It could be anyone. We want others to behave in a way that will make us happy and agreeing with us is one such way. In doing so they affirm the truth of our story. We can, however, learn to get out of our own way and connect with that part of us which is most true, unique and authentic. And by believing we know what is right for us, we can trust ourselves to act with humility and kindness. We have then forsaken fear, and we have made a commitment to be in the place of kindness.