Many parents believe their child’s anger toward them is a sign of disrespect. The parents say they would never have spoken to their parents in an angry or defiant way, and they will not tolerate any such tone or opposition that appears disrespectful. It is not unusual to hear that corporal punishment or strong consequences often follow their child’s angry outbursts toward them.
It is clear that parents often take these angry words very personally, and their frustrated and then angry responses often lead to displays of power and control. Regardless of whether this is the third or thirtieth time this power struggle has occurred, most often the outcome is the same. The child resists the parent’s urgings to do something, and the parent applies some form of force. But does this application of force lead to the child’s long-term change?
When a child is angry, we want him to understand his anger and other feelings associated with it, and we want this understanding to help him behave more appropriately and consistently in the future. But when parents get angry and punitive, the child’s focus turns away from himself and onto the disciplining parent. The child becomes anxious, increasingly angry, and then retaliatory. He might accuse the parent of yelling, being mean, unfair and wrong. And by taking the offensive in this way, he has essentially lost the opportunity to slow himself down, regroup (self-observe) and see that he is responsible for part of this conflict. He is not learning about problem solving and changing his behavior.
The child is also not learning about looking behind his anger. When parents help to escalate a conflict this way, they are not modeling good self-observing behavior for their child. Parents typically “win” the battle with the child being sent to his room along with further punishment. The child, however, is only thinking about how mean and horrible the parent is, and his anger and resentment grow. His memory of the incident will likely cause him to harbor increased anger and emotional distance with his parents.
Looking behind the child’s anger is only accomplished when parents have dealt with their own anger and recognize the untreated fear that lies behind it. David Kessler writes, “Untreated fear turns into anger. We’re not in touch with our fears–or when we don’t even know we’re afraid–that fear grows into anger. If we don’t deal with the anger, it will turn into rage.” When parents directly explore their fears, themes of abandonment, failure, betrayal and death may appear enabling them to develop further insight regarding their own emotions. And with these insights they can encourage their children to look behind their anger and explore their own fears.