We all want to be connected to others in some way. If we look beneath layers of complex defenses, we find we are in need of being recognized, praised, comforted, reassured, and loved. We try to avoid feeling separate, isolated or alone. We go to great lengths to get the love and approval that we want. All you have to do is listen carefully to your thoughts, and you’ll notice the incessant streaming and worry about how we look to others, what image we’re projecting, and whether we appear to be confident and worthwhile. We’re exquisitely sensitive to others’ reactions to us. “Did he see me? Did that sound stupid or confused? I’m not sure she likes me. She’s looking away. I thought my comment was funny, but he didn’t laugh.”
When we wish for love, empathy and support, we want to be connected and be a part of another’s life, but we can often forget or disregard the boundary that separates us from each other. Our desire for another person’s love and approval causes us to focus our attention on them and away from our self-experience. Our thoughts become littered with fears and doubts about the other person’s desire and commitment to us. These fears and doubts are assumptions we make regarding other people and why they are not treating us with the love and approval we need and want. These assumptions signify that our attention is with the other, and we are not connected with ourselves. That is, we are not consciously aware of the love we feel for ourselves and if we feel authentic.
People spend a great deal of time trying to convince themselves and others that a person in their life needs to change. They should not think, feel or behave the way they do. And they go to great lengths “proving” why this person is wrong. They should be another way. “He should never have turned out this way. He had so much promise, was so gifted, so accomplished! He knew better. What was he thinking? If only listened to me.” To some their arguments seem so compelling: “He victimized me by having an affair; She knew unprotected sex would lead to this; Spending so much time at work made me feel so worthless and empty; My father makes me feel like such a failure; I was so stupid to think she would help me; I can’t just let her have the last word and let her think she’s right;” and on and on.
A patient said, “I always wanted her to love me. I literally prayed for this. I waited and waited for her love to come, and it never did. I thought, how could she not love me? I am so good to her, so generous, so loyal. I’ve kept us together almost single-handedly! But after you and I began talking, and I started to look closely at my thoughts and feelings, it suddenly dawned on me that I really don’t want or wish her to love me. If she does, she does because that’s how she feels. That’s her reality. If she doesn’t truly feel that way, that’s her reality. I don’t want to make someone love me, to show them all the reasons why they should. It’s simple. If they don’t, they don’t.”
The work of the psychotherapist is to remove peoples’ self-created obstacles such as making assumptions and insisting that things are true or real when they are not. These thoughts about others prevent us from connecting with ourselves. The work of therapy does not involve changing people by pointing out what is wrong with them, correcting their perspectives and beliefs, or telling them what to feel or how to live their lives. My aim is to remove obstacles which cause patients to live by assumptions and stories that have not proven to be real. Then they can return to the path of self-exploration, discovery, and actualization.